This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Dick very happy bro
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
