True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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