Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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