I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
