I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
