i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
