Dude my mom stole all your condoms
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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