if i can run in heels then i can drive
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
