Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
