even my farts smell like vagina
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Randomize
