Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
