I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?