remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
