i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
