At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
