We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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