please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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