GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
