I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
