My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
