I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
even my farts smell like vagina
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
