Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
