***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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