Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
