if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
