I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
