My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
