why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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