all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
