I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
