I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
