dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
