if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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