I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
