dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
