My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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