I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Shame - the story of my life.
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