I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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