My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
