If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize