the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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