Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
