I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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