you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
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You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
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when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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