This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
