Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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