we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
