I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
