Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
