You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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