If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize