What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
