So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
