Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
