my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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